Opinion - There’s a world of cup certainties ...

Andy Edgeworth
Andy Edgeworth
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OTHER than the result against Italy the World Cup has not disappointed so far with some great goals and games.

I remember having the same anticipation four years ago when it was in South Africa but it ended up a disappointment from a football perspective.

Caution has been thrown into the South Atlantic wind so far however and there have been some real upsets already in the competition which bodes well for the remainder.

However, there are certain things that are guaranteed to happen no matter where the World Cup is and things you should look out for, so here is my guide to things you will see and hear in relation the World Cup.

1. In your local pub the loner who drinks there every day will turn up for the next England match in an England top he purchased that morning (from Sports Direct as it was £10 and three years old) and proceed to shout at the TV to anybody who will listen when the match is on despite never having voiced an interest in the ‘beautiful game’ before.

2. Similarly, fully expect to return to your place of work following an England match to hear a colleague who also has no interest in the game to say something along the lines of: “I cannot believe he dropped Rooney’.

3. Whilst watching ITV wait for some catastrophic melt down on the technical side of things to cause Adrian Chiles to resemble a prosecution witness at a mafia trial in front of your eyes.

4. While watching BBC get ready for a smug Gary Lineker to mention his golden boot to somebody in the studio who never got near a World Cup.

5. National stereotype one: Someone uses the word ‘mercurial’ or the phrase ‘total football’ in relation to the Netherlands.

6. Alan Shearer suggesting we keep an eye out for Belgium as ‘dark horses’, as if he’s letting you in on a little secret and no one else has ever thought of it.

7. Neil Lennon to say something to a bemused looking Juninho who couldn’t understand a word he said and just nods in faux agreement.

8. Phil Neville to be replaced by Siri as co-commentator after it is deemed the computer generated voice is more exciting and less-monotone than Phil’s.

9. National stereotype two: Someone uses the word “unpredictable” in relation to Nigeria/Colombia/Russia/Mexico/Bosnia/Cameroon/Chile.

10. Multiple references to YaYa Toure’s birthday every single time he touches the ball during an Ivory Coast match.

11. A tabloid pun about the war if the Germans lose a match.

12. National stereotype three: Someone uses “efficiency” in relation to Germany. Or Switzerland.

13. Bemused looking tourist on the copacabana beach standing right behind Alan Shearer and Rio Ferdinand wondering who they are while being politely asked to be move by a BBC production worker to no avail.

14. Panelists discuss Andrea Pirlo’s passing in a vaguely sexual manner featuring groans and aaahes. Also first mention that he’s ‘like a vintage wine’.

15. Joe Hart to appear in every second advert at half-time

16. News report citing how a good tournament for England could contribute £100m to the UK economy.

17. Thierry Henry to ‘laugh off’ his handball when asked in a jokey fashion about it following an incident in a game.

18. National stereotype four: Someone uses the phrase ‘hard-working’ in relation to South Korea.

19. Somebody to mention how old Ryan Giggs is despite him not being at or ever being at a World Cup.

20. If Brazil win it the word ‘destiny’ to be used until we are all saying it in our sleep.