Column: The joys of the simple British barbeque
Let's have a barbeque, I heard you cry.
As the spring rays beat down, we as a nation all ran outside and lifted our face to the rare yellow thing in the sky, before texting all our friends an invite then running at the speed of light to safety on the inside of ugly warehouse-style supermarkets that housed now premium-priced barbeque tools, overpriced firelighters and end of the aisle bulk-buy packets of sausages.
Two hours later, after weathering the queues, gloating and holding tight on to our treasures, we came back out into the light, proud of our practicality in saving both money and washing up by holding a family party in the garden.
It only cost Â£200 in equipment and charcoal, Â£400 in new self-assembly garden furniture, Â£50 on an umbrella,Â£100 in food, a further Â£100 in drink, Â£10 in sun cream and will leave the garden scattered in rubbish and the kitchen knee deep in plastic plates and used beer bottles.
But this is Britain, what could possibly go wrong?
We smile as we drive into a six mile tailback with our mixed pack of meat rotting in the baking car boot, congratulating ourselves on not taking the motorway to the beach but staying at home to bask safely in our claustrophobic back yard or garden.
Think of the hassle we saved!
Meanwhile, safely on the passenger seat the mobile vibrated with messages of invitation to other people’s vastly superior outdoor kitchen’ set-ups and thanks but no thanks to your invitations.
Then, as one as a nation, we arrive home, proud owners of everything we already own inside the house - but for outside.
And some sausages.
Based on experience, this is where the division of the sexes comes in.
As one, the men of the house grasp the nearest sharp-pointed implement, sausages and a beer then go outside to perform the simple BBQ rituals that make Britain great.
Meanwhile, women perform the easy jobs, of preparing and marinating the food, chopping salad, buttering bread, laying the table, managing the children, making garden furniture,greeting guests and putting out the fire caused by drunken manhandling of the barbeque.