‘I had nowhere to go’: how domestic abuse victims helped set up a new helpline in Wigan

Domestic abuse is not all about physical violence – and anyone can be a victim.
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That is the simple message of a campaign created with the help of domestic abuse survivors which has helped thousands of people in the last 12 months.

A new helpline launched in Wigan last year has taken nearly 5,000 calls so far, offering support to victims, concerned loved ones and even professionals.

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But what makes the Wigan Council campaign unique is its ‘personal’ approach.

Both men and women can be affected by domestic abuseBoth men and women can be affected by domestic abuse
Both men and women can be affected by domestic abuse

People with first-hand experience of domestic abuse have helped shape the service which aims to attract those who might not recognise the ‘red flags’.

Intensity, jealousy, control, criticism, blame and gaslighting are all signs of domestic abuse – but what can you do when you see them in a relationship?

When Stephen was seeking a way out of an abusive relationship, he looked on the internet for someone to speak to – but all he could find was Women’s Aid.

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“I wouldn’t ring up a women’s helpline,” he said. “There was nothing out there at all. Nothing for blokes. Nothing about the mental side. Just the physical.”

Stephen – which is not his real name – recognised the signs from the start.

Although physical violence did play a part in the abusive relationship, he says being hit by his ex-partner did not hurt him. “It was the control,” he explained.

She took his bank cards from him and installed a tracker on his mobile phone – so he would just leave it at home, effectively meaning he could not make calls.

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He knew ‘right from the start’ that it was an abusive relationship. But with a baby on the way, he felt he could not leave, fearing he would never see his kids.

“What stopped me from reaching out is that I had children,” he said. “I didn’t know how it would affect them.

“What happens if I ring the police? Would social workers be involved?

“When you’ve got children, you worry you won’t see your kids ever again.”

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And then one day, she came home from work to find Stephen asleep on the sofa and became ‘extremely angry’ – so he just packed up his things and left.

With nowhere left to turn, he found himself sleeping in a car park during the Covid lockdown after leaving his partner of four years to become homeless.

After contacting Citizens’ Advice, he was put in touch with Wigan council which – despite being preoccupied with the pandemic – found him a room.

However, the support he received at that stage, he said, was minimal.

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Months later, the local authority would launch a new domestic abuse service with a helpline for victims, friends, family and professionals seeking advice.

And the council turned to people like Stephen for feedback on the campaign.

Business manager Kieran Davies, who helped design the council’s domestic abuse and sexual violence service, presented the ideas to the focus group.

“The ideas that the victims with lived experience came up with were very different,” he said.

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As soon as the survivors were shown pictures of people with black eyes, it was ‘obvious’ they could not relate to it, according to council staff at the meeting.

They were told that artwork associated with the campaign should feature the hidden messages of control and abuse which many victims would recognise.

Authentic examples of abusive text messages were used in adverts and Stephen re-enacted conversations he had with his ex-partner for the radio.

The website was designed with the aim of appealing to all genders – and it even has an ‘escape button’ which immediately takes you to another website.

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Gemma Braithwaite, chief officer of Wigan’s domestic abuse service, said that although women are disproportionately affected by domestic abuse, the law is ‘generally’ on their side – another reason why men often do not come forward.

‘Pride’ can prevent older people in particular from coming forward, she said.

But the service is not just for people experiencing domestic abuse themselves – it is available for concerned loved ones, friends and family members as well.

Seven domestic homicide reviews in recent years found that families and friends suspected that abuse was happening, but did not know who to tell.

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Gemma said the domestic abuse service encourages victims to come forward, but if that is not appropriate, they can speak to concerned loved ones instead.

She said: “Historically, people felt domestic abuse was a private matter.

“Family and friends worry worried that if they ask the victim about it, they’ll actually push them further away. It’s a really fine balance.

“Friends and family can be a massive protective filter.

“Sometimes concerned loved ones are frightened. But if that person doesn’t feel ready to speak out, they are not going to speak out.”

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The helpline, a local Wigan number, is staffed by domestic abuse workers from 8am to 7pm on weekdays with drop-in sessions held across the borough.

Around 66 pc of callers to the helpline are victims, while 6 pc are third parties and the rest of the calls – around 28 pc – come from concerned professionals.

The service could not be more accessible, Gemma proudly proclaims, saying that if staff do not have the answer, they can probably find someone who does.

“But we’ll never tell anybody what to do,” she added. “We give them options and choices. We try to give them the control they have lost being in an abusive relationship.”

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Breaking down a ‘lifetime of beliefs’ can be an impossible task – so the service has also started delivering annual ‘age appropriate’ sessions in Wigan schools.

So far, 4,500 children have received lessons about consent and online safety.

It is a chance to challenge beliefs, such as stereotypes about gender roles, which may be putting them at risk of domestic abuse decades down the line.

“This is not just a helpline,” she said. “We really want to work within the community to build that early awareness.

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“We want to reduce the stigma surrounding domestic abuse and the only way we can do that is to talk about it more.

“Whether they like it or not, every person will know someone who is affected by domestic abuse.

“You could be sat in a room and there’s a perpetrator right next to you.

“They are walking around our town centres right now, or sat in this building, and they’re thinking, ‘I don’t know what to do. There’s nowhere to go.'”

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Labour councillor Paula Wakefield, who is the lead cabinet member for equalities and domestic abuse, said the campaign has victims at its heart.

“We know domestic abuse can be a wide range of behaviours that can make victims feel controlled, intimidated and isolated,” she said.

“It’s our priority to ensure everyone, whatever their circumstances, can access the right help and support and we are so grateful to the brave victims who have played such a major role in shaping the campaign.

“Domestic Abuse Awareness Month was an opportunity for us to reflect on the great progress we have made since Love Is Not Abuse was launched earlier this year.

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“But we also know there’s always more that can be done and we can’t wait to see how it progresses into its next stages.”

To contact Wigan Borough Domestic Abuse Service, call 01942 311365 or visit www.wigan.gov.uk/domesticabuse. The helpline is open to everyone.

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